Is empathy dead?

And other deep questions I am asking myself lately.

A few weeks ago the We Can Do Hard Things podcast had clinical psychologist, Dr. Becky Kennedy as their guest. Among the many very smart things she said during her two episodes, the one that really stuck with me was her take on building empathy. She said that in order for kids to build empathy, first they have to learn to regulate and tolerate their own distress when experiencing or watching other people get what they want (vs getting their way all the time).

I’ve been thinking about this a lot and not just in the context of parenting. I am looking at the growing divide we see, well… EVERYWHERE and it seems to me that more and more people are having a really hard time tolerating distress and regulating that distress when they see other people getting what they want. And I think the result of this is the slow death of our collective empathy.

This is especially top of mind for me this week because, on her first day on the job, our new Premier said that “the unvaccinated are the most discriminated people she has ever seen in her lifetime.” And while she is likely pandering to her base, judging by her various remarks in the past, I think she might really believe this is true (She issued a statement the next day “clarifying” her comments, but NOT apologizing for them). This kind of entitled thinking reminds me of a kid who is throwing a tantrum because their younger sister got to pick the movie and they are screaming “IT’S NOT FAIR!” because they are always supposed to be the one who chooses the movie.

And because these people throw tantrums (I am looking at you #freedumbconvoy) and are excessively loud about it, instead of learning to tolerate the distress of a situation in which they are not the main character, they hold the greater community hostage with their whining, manipulation, and fear.

Am I making any sense here? I don’t know. I am trying to better understand where people’s pain and fear comes from. Because that’s what distress is, right? Fear. No one wants to admit they are afraid, but they are. And the worst parts of our world right now are the people who see those fears and use them as exploitable opportunities. They feed them, nurture them, build algorithms around them, and have whole television networks dedicated to them.

I am asking myself - How can we turn back the tide on this and start to build more resilience and empathy in the people whose fears have been so validated and exploited over the past few years?

I have never been particularly fond of the word resilience. Or at least how I have always thought of it - something you build in and around yourself because shitty things have happened to you.

Dr. Becky defines resilience as the ability to tolerate distress. To be able to feel like yourself and/or find yourself in a wide range of emotions and experiences. This reframe has made me take another look at the word and feel a bit more attached to it. This definition has also helped me understand how some people are just not able to find themselves in emotions and experiences they are not familiar with or haven’t been taught to tolerate. The pandemic brought up a whole slew of these distressing experiences and feelings - helplessness, fear, uncertainty, sickness, scarcity. Instead of sitting in these feelings and learning to tolerate a certain level of distress (that frankly we were all going through), they lashed out, they looked to blame, they felt “victimized”, and what could have been resilience building experiences, instead became loud and angry temper tantrums.

I know. I am rambling and repeating myself…

I also know I am rationalizing.

If I can just understand why people are so scared, what is at the root of their fears, I’ll be able to call up more empathy and not turn to apathy.

Because I too am scared right now. Scared of what the new Premier of Alberta and her ilk will further do to destroy political discourse and democracy in our province. Scared for our healthcare system - which in my lifetime has always been a leader and innovator in the fields of medicine and research. Scared for all levels of education in our province. Scared and almost certain that my kids are going to go elsewhere for their post-secondary education. Scared to leave the province that has been my home for my entire life, and scared to stay and watch it all burn to the ground.

But I’ve been scared before. Very, very scared.

And I know I can find myself and make it through my fears.

I hope there are enough of us that can still do this. Still know who we are in all the crappy experiences and dumpster fire events going on in this world of ours.

I hope we are enough to keep our collective empathy alive.

Truth > Comfort

Hope > Fear

Resiliently yours,

N~

XOXO

P.S. Here is a not exhaustive list of things I think folks need to sit in and learn to tolerate their own levels of distress about…

Black Lives Matter - YES, specifically.

The history of cultural and actual genocide of Indigenous people in Canada.

“Quiet quitting” AKA, doing the job you are paid for and asking for compensation when more is asked of you.

Accountability (NOT cancel) Culture - and learning how to apologize properly.

Anyone outside of the binary of gender or sexuality. Especially Trans folks. Also, pronouns are not hard, just keep practicing.

Forgiving student loans. No more of the “I had to suffer, so everyone else should also suffer” mentality going forward.

Women’s bodies and agency. They are not gestational vessels, or lesser persons to be regulated by any form of government, anywhere in the world.

(Please add more to this list in the comments…)